by Peter Callaghan

A steam train chugs through the rolling English countryside. In a wood-panelled carriage a passenger furrows her brow at a front page splash: Allies To Invade France. Across the aisle, a shady character rolls up a coded message into the shape of a cigarette and alights at the next station. Two men in trilby hats and trench coats give chase. Shots fire, a body falls. But not before said fag is lodged into a bullet-like cylinder and despatched care of a seaward carrier pigeon. Cut to a beach and a frolicking couple. Bang! What was once airborne has run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible and is every inch an ex-pigeon. “I can charm the birds from the trees,” grins a geezer. The tone is set. But the bar is set even lower and never rises to the hype.

Dad's ArmyIn a leafy wood near the White Cliffs of Dover, a squadron of geriatric soldiers more Pantaloon than Platoon forage through the undergrowth. The target is located, a call to arms hollered. Ready, aim… No folk without fire. “We’re supposed to be locking horns with the Hun, not Bertie the Bull,” scowls a scrawny Scot as they stumble upon a horned bovine which lowers its head, stomps its hoof and thunders towards them. Panic, Captain Mainwaring! Panic! And panic they do for the remainder of the film as a German spy in the shape of a Berlin beauty infiltrates their camp in the hope of securing vital information about the Allies invasion base which would hand victory to the one-balled dictator of the Third Reich.

It’s all very tepid and tame and Sunday afternoon before Songs of Praise and The Antiques Roadshow. The farce is forced, the gag-o-meter barely flickers above a chuckle and the screenplay by Hamish McColl (one half of the comedy double act The Right Size who penned Rowan Atkinson vehicles such as Johnny English Reborn and Mr Bean’s Holiday) is simply not up to scratch. Yet what a cast! And what a waste of a cast! Toby Jones (Harry Potter, Hunger Games), who has the bulk of the dialogue, does a delightful imitation of Arthur Lowe as Captain Mainwaring. Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago, Entrapment) sparkles as the double agent Rose Winters. But the rest of the ensemble, which includes acting luminaries such as Tom Courtenay, Michael Gambon and Bill Paterson, are largely confined to mug shots and catchphrases. And as for Bill Nighy (Love Actually): for once, his trademark grunts and snorts don’t cut the Colman’s. Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Parker?

[imdb id=”tt4104054″]

Peter Callaghan
Latest posts by Peter Callaghan (see all)